25-12-2011

 Today is a special day, where people say Jesus was born on this day. But somehow, it doesn't feel special to me because every day is special to me. This is what someone told me. Every day in our life is a special day. =D

 Something bad happened to me in the morning though. I could say that it is the worst and the best day of my life. I made someone waited for half an hour. I couldn't wake up as I was too tired, even my alarm doesn't wake me up. When I wake up, everything was in a rush. Of course, I feel guilty, really. I hate people waiting for me. And somehow, something that never pop up in my mind occured. Let just keep it as a secret. =P

Went to the airport with Terence this morning as Joanne, one of my classmate is leaving. And guess what?? I saw Mdm  
Rajwant, our form teacher, with her daughter and son, Aastik. Hahahaha!! Out of my expectation! 

After bidding farewell to her, we went to the Public Park aka Taman Awam. Waiting for my cousin to come, we walked on the bridge. I was scared of height but surprisingly I wasn't scared at all. Not a bit. Waiting and waiting..... Finally, my cousin arrived. Finding her was difficult as I don't really know the way. Thanks to Terence, we found her. Ate some food that her family made, including her. It was quite nice except for the chicken that my cousin made. It was okay but the gravy was salty. 

We play for a while and went to Merdeka Mall. It was 12.30 pm. We choose a movie to watch. Mission Impossible!! Sounds interesting, isn't it? The movie is thrilling. I enjoy it very much. Especially when it come to the climax and you have a shoulder to lean on. =D

Around 4 something, we went back. It was a great day. I think I never had so much fun before. Happy moments flies. I'll kept it to my heart and remember it forever.

Path of life

 Looking upon the sky,
 Black clouds surrounding,
Feeling like it is going to cry,
 And that's exactly what I'm feeling.


Recalling back what we've gone through,
While reflecting my mistakes,
The path is so rough and tough,
But I'm willing to go through it for whatever it takes.


Flowers are blooming,
Showing off every beauty and potential in them,
Everybody wants to be outstanding,
Trying everything they can.


Life is kinda hard,
Especially when we have a heart,
Because we feel,
And that's what make us kneel.

      Viewing my fb newsfeed, I saw something interesting. And thus, I realized that I'm interested in it. What is that?? Suspense.... :P hehe~~ 


There they go~~ 

I can feel you~~~

 A sense of mystery~

Breeze of the winds~ 

I feel the warmth of the sun~~

Thinking of you whenever I go...

Shining brightly~~

Interested in that camera~~ Unique

Wishing that you will appear in front of me~

Waiting and waiting~ I will be waiting for you~~

After viewing these photos, I think that photography is quite interesting. Different angles, different focus, different expressions will lead to different products. Background, lightning, clothes of the model and even expressions are important. Photography is like magic~~ haha~~ The right angle will make a person looks good in the photo. Nice nice~~ If only I could own a camera..... Forget bout it~~~ It will only fall into another hand.

That's all from me~~ Bye. 

An F Day~~ :D

Today is an F day. Fine, fabulous, and FRI-DAY! Everything goes well today. Start everyday with a smile and your day will eventually become better. Even though I forgot to bring my necktie today, I wasn't caught. Lucky me. :)  

In the class, Terence lent me his tie. He helped me to put on the tie but then I untie the necktie. Not used to the way the necktie was tied. I retied it myself. With my unskillful hands, it failed. Bad in everything, huh? Even a primary school student could do that. By the way, he helped me tied it and put on me again. Guess what? I was touched. If you truly love someone, even if they are doing little little things for you, you will be easily touched. <3 

After school, I went to the String Orchestra Club meeting. I guess there are 15 students joining including me. Walking towards 2F, I opened the window before I went in. I saw Bernice Chai. She was waving at me and asked if I knew her. I waved back and nodded my head. I went in the room and I only recognized two. There are 5 to 6 in the room. The others were absent. 

A guy, to be exact, a boy named Bao Wen, is the only one who brings violin. The meeting wasn't a meeting at all. It is more like a gathering. As it was getting cold, Nicholas did something funny. He imitated Ms Lin, . Not fashion, haha~~ 

I didn't regret joining the club. First of all, I had fun getting along with my new friends. They were so friendly. I wonder if I can be that friendly too. Blame my personality, I only talk a lot when my mind is full of ideas. I get along well with Bernice, Sharon, and Bao Wen. Bernice look better in person and yeahh, she's pretty! :D She's so friendly!! XDXD As for Sharon, her sight reading amazed me. She took a book of score which is Bao Wen's and played it smoothly. She's also very friendly too! She even hold my hands... Haha~~ And for Bao Wen, his eyes look like a dog's. No offense, it is true. XP He told me many jokes. He's joining Drama Club and it suits him. He has the potential in imitating the voices of people. 

Get to the main point, I actually TOUCHED and  PLAYED a violin!!!!! WOOHOO!!!! I asked Nicholas to teach me the violin fingerings. Bao Wen taught me the fingerings to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. At first, I played it quite rough. But then, it gets smoother. Hehe~~ Just played for around 10 to 15 mins. Those who know how to play violin complimented me!! They said my learning skills were amazing. By the way, Bao Wen only taught me one time. ECSTATIC!!!~~~ 

It was 3.30 pm. Went back home after 30 mins of waiting for the car. That's all. :)))))

Imsomnia

Night, blog. Can't sleep so I decided to update you. A not-so-good-day again.

Received a phone call at 7am which means that I have to wake up to help my mum. I continued my sleep till 7.45am. Lalalalala. Time passed by. Finally, time to go home!!! Yay!! But, I'm suffering from muscle fatigue again. Painful..... 

*sigh
Many things happened after I got home though. Heard some tragic news too. Don't ask me about it. I'm not going to tell a single thing. I pity that person. Let that person be X. X made me realized a lot of thing and gave me support. Thanks, X. I wish you have no regrets during the moment you were called by God. And I hope you can live longer as you still have a lot of things undone.

Things may not come out the way we expected or wanted. Everybody tried their best to survive and keep walking till the end. But somehow, I'm quite tired of walking. I almost gave up in myself. Hurt, desperate..... lalalalalala. I don't know about it. I don't wanna know. I don't know the meaning of those two words. 

 I only know these, strong, bold, tough. That's what I am. That's the fact. No one could ever try to change that. I won't allow it. 

Looking at the time, it's 12.26 am by now. Going to sleep. Bye, blog. Thanks for making me feeling much better. Should I call my blog, Bella? I love that name. Okay, deal. Your name is Bella from this moment. Bye, Bella. Night night. 

Jar of Hearts

Recently, I keep hearing a song "Jar of Hearts" from the radio. I love it so much!! Love the lyrics and the song. 
This song is about a girl who loved a boy with every part of her and he loved her deeply but he didn't fully understand what he had when he was with her. Breaking up was the hardest decision she had to make. She could see he felt something for someone else even though he said he still loved her and would deny any feelings for the other girl. But then, he wanted to see if there was something better. After she had enough of his lies, she left him and he chose to chase the other girl, but all the while his first love was on his mind. She was still heart broken and still loved him, but hates what he did to her at the same time. Even looking at him brought memories of what they had together, and she felt as though no one could replace what she had with him. A year goes by and throughout the year the boy stays with the other girl but knows it was not anywhere near the magic he had with his first love. He comes back into her life, wanting her advice and does what he should do, wanting his first love to tell him that she still needs him. But, she has learnt not to trust him again. She will never let someone throw her away to find something better and then come to the realisation that she was the best he could have ever had and expect her to jump straight back into his arms. He hurt her so deeply and coming back into her life won't fix it. She wishes she never met him so he could never hurt her, wishing that he didn't have any control over her, and wishes she never fell in love with a liar. Who does he think he is coming back into her life after lying and choosing someone else to replace her. It will never work because of all the hurt he caused, all the lies he said and the hate created. The scar will be with her for the rest of her life but it's a reminder to her to never let someone steal a part of her again, never to be tricked into believing empty words and most importantly it is a reminder to never be tricked by him again. The scar is a learning curve so she can only improve what she has from now on and as soon as there is, doubt she will let her heart take over and end it before she gets another gash that should have been prevented from the start.

For every stitch, there's a story.

I finally fixed it, will you take it now?

Sometimes, I feel like crying until I die of exhaustion.

                  If I can choose to survive or to die, I rather die. I'm tired. 

SCARS OF THE HEART ARE WRITING OF PAINS FROM OUR MISTAKES SO THAT WE MAY HAVE A HISTORY TO LOOK BACK UPON AS NOT TO REPEAT THE PAST.

Nothing is Impossible

Nothing is impossible?? Who created this? There's no such thing as nothing is impossible. That's the matter of fact. So true. In reality, there are things that are impossible. No matter how hard you try, how hard you strike, it will not be possible. This is reality, cruel, it is. 


Avoiding the reality isn't the ideal choice. Sooner or later, one's going to face it. It may hurt, it may leave wound that could not be mend. Scars will never disappear. They will live with one till the day one's body were rotten or burned into ashes. 


Every human does feel tired. Walking non-stop without resting is tiring. Not a task that could be done by human. Humans who claim that they are strong are just covering up their weakness. Humans are fragile, weak, frail, and vulnerable. No one is strong. Humans are after all humans. They do have a heart and they feel for it. 


MIRACLE only happen to some, not all. Everyone does hope for miracle to happen but not all could experienced miracle.  This is what life is about. 


I just hope.... 


How I hope.....


Nothing will happen if you just hope for something. 


In other words, taking things for granted, that is.

^^Cooking Dash^^

By looking at the title, what do you think of? A game, of course. But the cooking dash I mentioned is not a game. It is about the way I cook. At 7 sharp, i started slicing the potatoes into slices. While waiting for an important text, I prepared the rice and slice hot dog to be cook. At 7.13pm, the important text finally came. The text goes like this "Honey, I'm back to Miri. Going to your house now." Seeing this text, by that time, i only managed to slice 3 potatoes. Thinking of a quicker way, I decided to cook fried rice as it is simpler and faster. Unfortunately, I haven't prepared the ingredients for the fried rice. Rushing, I cracked two eggs and throw the rice and slice hot dog into the wok. Not knowing what to put for the ingredients but there is no time to think. Eventually, I grab a bottle of tomato and chili sauce and mix it with the fried rice. Opening the refrigerator looking for other ingredients, there are none. Cooking the fried rice with high-speed, a text came again. "Around new Lutong." Simply grab a container and wash it with two splash of water and stuffed the fried rice into it. Then, cleaning the wok, going to fry potatoes again. But then, I didn't manage to finish cooking it. The text come again, and it says, "At the back door." Running up the stairs, grab my phy and essay book, i jump a few steps to quicken my pace. Grabbing the container, I went outside. Eyes wandering around looking for him. Suddenly WOAHHHH~~  Saw a figure and I jumped. It was HIM. Walking towards him, gave him the things he wanted and he gave me the thermos he bought at KK. Going in, feeling happy. ^_^ 

That's all for now. >_<

 Saturday, 27th August, was the best day in my life this year. Never felt like this before. The feeling was great, splendid. The morning wasn't that great after all as I was having brass band practice. Tiresome, doing exercises continuously for one hour. After that, the percussions were to practice marching. The xylophone was damn heavy and my shoulders were aching.


In the afternoon, going to the library with Terence. Never been to Lutong's library before. It doesn't look like a library though, having hard time finding the library. The library there was better than our school's, i think? The only thing is, the library doesn't have any air-cond there. Quite humid and makes me feel sleepy. 


At night. I was going for a date with Terence. Heading to gcm to watch the concert. The concert was great, marvelous!! Love it. The performance were great. How I wish I could play like them too... What I enjoyed the most were the two guys playing snare drum and Charles Pui, playing the piano.


The way the two guys played the snare drums are cool. They played the snare drums confidently and their marvelous skill impressed me. For Charles Pui, I have a strong impression on him. First, it is because his name, Charles Pui Chow Kit, sounds like one of my classmate, Nick. Second, the way he played the piano, WOW. amazing. I will never be able to play it the way how he play it. Emotions, passions, all in it. He treats the piano like his diary.. 


Lucky that I was able to attend the musical concert. Everything ended up better than I thought. Start everyday with a smile and your day will eventually turns better. That's all from me. 

Life?? *sigh

 My life is a mess now. Not knowing what to do, or what should I do. I hope that everything will be okay, I prayed that nothing serious will happen. Worrying isn't the best thing. I have no position and no power to stand up for anyone even if I wish to. I'm sorry to cause trouble for everyone. I know sorry doesn't mean anything.


To survive in this world is not easy....Obstacles are everywhere, following and hunting you. It will never stop until the day you die. Things are hard for me, never felt like this before. I don't feel any stronger but I feel weaker and weaker, in both physical and mental. Wondering how am I going to go through this.... I'm strong but this time, I am not that strong. I cannot overcome my feelings and can't even comfort myself.


 The pain in my heart made me feel so numb. Tears are shed, but it is still the same. Nothing changes. It used to be better after I cried but this time, it doesn't feel any good. It only makes me sleepy and not wanting to do anything. I felt like I'm useless, not fit to be living in this world. But, what can I do? Nothing. I felt so hopeless. 


Heard from Nicholas that the audition for singing competition will be on Friday. According to what he say, only 6 people are chosen. It feels weird... Not knowing whether I get it wrong or not, not really hearing what he said. By the way, I haven't even get my lyrics memorise and haven't even start practicing it. There is always something happening everyday, every hour, every minute and every second. 


Actually, I don't even feel like continuing my life. How I wish I could just end here. But if I do that, I am really stubborn. Only stubborn people do that. Besides, if I leave this world suddenly, how bout those people I cared and loved? I will miss them. I don't want to be separated forever.


The word FOREVER only exists in dictionary. It doesn't exist in our life. There's no such thing as forever. Nobody will end happily forever, it is impossible. Planning our future is useless. There's no need to plan our future. A single second could ruin all your plans. It really will. 

Sunday, 21/8

  What a tiring day.... Sunday has finally come to an end. Tomorrow is Monday, yay!! I prefer weekdays rather than weekends. Helping my mother today as usual. Having a hard time doing things fast. Blame my weak muscles, every part of my body was suffering including my butt. Even sitting on a chair requires some time.

During afternoon, I get to meet someone. I think he looks smart in plain white long sleeve shirt and blue jeans. Anyway, it wasn't that fun but I felt happy. Saw his brother too. I personally thinks he looks better than his brother. He gave me something and when I get to know the content inside, I was thinking, this boy is really unique. No one will ever give me that as a present, even my parents.


Waiting for the time to get home, it finally arrives. Reach home, walking up the stairs, my legs and butt hurt so much. The song that I compose haven't even completed. Lazy to compose it these days... So lazy of me, not knowing when exactly I can finish composing that song of mine. 


This is what I have gone through today. Weekends are always boring for me. It had never been interesting. Today was special, I wasn't that boring for that mere few minutes. I wonder when will weekends be more interesting........  

 When I was young, time passes slow. Everything seems like it was on slow mode. An hour seems like a week. One day, I asked my mother, "Mum, why does time passes slow?" My mum replied, "It is because you're still young. When you feel like time passes like the speed of light, it means that you're matured."


 When I was in Primary 6, I feel that time passed so fast. After finished Primary 6, I'm telling myself to get better marks and score straight A's in my PMR. In a few blinks, I had finished Form 3. Going to Form 4, a thrilling sensation pricks upon me. Telling myself I'm gonna strike for the best this time.


Entering Form 4, motivating myself to study hard. Next year, I will be sitting for SPM. It was January by then, but now it is August. By the way, September is coming in no time. Time flies. They don't wait for you, never. Treasure every second of your life, don't waste it. 

  First of all, Angeline, I would like to thank you the most. You are the one always supporting me when everyone is ignoring me and disapprove with what I have done. You are the savior of the Secret 7 group.
 Second, Kim. I know you cared for me too much and I keep disappointed you. Sorry for that, but this is because you don't know the meaning of love and you never felt it before, that's why. You can describe me with anything you like, but one day, when you actually fall in love, you will understand. I will not held a grudge on you. I will still support you and stand by your side.

Sorry for not mentioning the other 4. Thanks for all who cared for me. I really appreciated it. 
  By the way, I am really happy now. I never felt so happy in my entire life. Thanks for all the advices that you all gave. 


  Being with Terence is not that bad actually. He treat me well and care for me. When I worry for him, he always told me not to worry and fake a smile to ease me. Besides, he never leave me alone no matter how busy he is. He don't make me jealous or drink ethanoic acid. This is what I like best about him. 


I know there are people who talk bad about me but I will choose to ignore them. I can't control their mouths.  Everything will be okay and will always be. Think positively and you will get what you want. Be optimistic, that's what I told myself. 

Motivating myself~~

   Day by day, I am becoming lazier and lazier. Going to motivate myself to study harder and work harder on poorer subjects. However,  everytime I reach home, I could not stop myself from pressing the 'on' button of my laptop.


  Going to Form 5 soon and I still haven't master all the subjects. Dreaming of my future how it will be, rather than studying hard now. Should throw away this bad habit. It would only lead me to failure. If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail, a quote from Dr. Fong, the CEO of RRSS. 


  Starting from tomorrow, I should study hard and complete my homework before I play. 
My aim for Semester 2 exam:
1) No RED colour marks is allowed
2) My average- minimum 80%
3) Improvement in all subjects


Hope the desire for playing computer could be control. Hope that I can get flying colours for every test.

Memories~~

 Memories are wonderful, don't they? I know some are not but most are delightful. Memories make us miss those happy moments we had. Happy or not, they are worth remembering.


For me, most of the memories I had are happy moments with those who I cared and loved. Sometimes, reminiscing those memories made me smile. Guess I'm smiling like crazy when I thinking bout the happy moments of the past. 


Living in those memories are not good either. You will never face reality if you buried yourself in memories. Remembering the past can aid in reflecting the flaws in one self but indulging yourself in memories will drive you crazy. 


Going to end here. Not writing much as I was choosing a topic randomly.

Updating my blog for the second time, I have my own reason for doing so.
 
  I try not to feel a thing. I try to act normal. I try not to care anything. I try to smile. I try not to worry about you. I convinced myself by apprising myself that you're okay. Everything will be fine. Despite the pain, I smiled yet the emotion that appears on my face is not smiling. 


 I feel so lost when I'm worried. Seems like you love rain so much, huh? Maybe I am the one who started all this. Shouldn't have existed in the first place, luring trouble for you. Sorry about everything I had done, this is all I can say. I couldn't take back my words, actions and all the deeds. Sorry that I intruded your life.


 I just can't stop myself from caring about you. You're a significant person for me. My mood was totally ruined, even standing upright need strenuous effort. 


 P.S Don't ask anything. Don't ask why, how, and what happened. I'm not going to answer. I feel really down and I need some place to let out what I feel. That is why I updated the second post.

Things that happened today

  Today, the percussions were instructed to arrive the school at 7 am. This was because there was a small test going on. The examiners were Xiao Wei, Alvin Ling and Ah Loi. We were asked to stay in a classroom while waiting our turn. When it was finally my turn, I played it seriously. Unfortunately, I sucks in playing semiquaver notes and not very good in sight reading. The exam ended at 9 something. The time has finally come and we were ask to stand in a straight line. 
 Final results: I get 62.33%. Quite happy as there are some who fail the test. Their comments: I am quite good because I once join band but after that i quit. When I rejoin, I was not in hornline but percussion. Besides, I catch up fast and they said they like it. My weakness: My footsteps are too heavy, my semiquaver notes are not constant. 

Back home, feeling tired. My mood gradually change from time to time. In the morning, I was feeling happy but in the evening, i felt quite down. Feel guilty for something I had done, but it is just too late. 
Not wanting to describe more, not going to details, this matter will be buried deep in my heart. 

Best thing in life??

 What is the best thing in my life? Guess music is the best thing of my life... It never disappoints me and is a part of my life. Whenever I'm down, music is always there with me. Whenever I'm sad, listening to songs make me feel better. 

 When I'm down, I feel like singing. I would choose a song which lyrics is almost the same as what am I feeling that time. But when I feel miserable, I don't feel like doing anything even listening to songs. At this time, I would like to be left alone in a room without any sound or noise.

Thinking about music, I think I'm going to write a song for myself. I can create lyrics that is similar to what I feel.  Singing a song compose by myself sounds great. 

^^~~Dreams~~^^

  What are dreams? Dreams are images that form in our mind and are not real. Dreams are usually beautiful, marvelous and delightful. I believe that every human has their own dreams, so do I. It's just a pity that my dreams never come true.

   Being involved in activities that I enjoy had been my dream but it seems like it will never come true. I enjoyed playing basketball but my father opposed it. Told him i want to learn table-tennis instead of playing basketball yet he said that it is unsuitable for girls. 

When I bring up the idea of learning violin, my mother told me, learning those will not bring any benefits to your future. If you want to learn, wait till you get older. The idea of learning guitar comes to my mind but my mother said it is not pleasant for girl to play guitar.

 Every hour, every minute, every second, I'm gradually getting older and older. The thought of attending dancing class and art class seems impossible for me. Excuses will only be given to me. How I wish that my dreams can come true.....  

There can be miracles,

When you believe,

Though hope is frail,

It's hard to kill,

Who knows that miracles,

You can achieve,

When you believe.

Tears? Hurt? Pain?

When a person cries, people comforted them by telling them that teardrops are precious. If teardrops are really precious, why do they roll down so easily from our eyes? There are a few reasons that make tears roll down.
  1. They feel extremely happy.
  2. They were touched.
  3. They were acting.
  4. They were heartbroken.
  5. They feel depressed.
Teardrops from my heart is rolling down my cheeks. What makes the teardrops of mine rolls down? Maybe I was happy, touched, definitely not acting *i can't do that* , heartbroken, or depressed... For me, TEARDROPS=HURT.

HURT....Hmm... this word sounds familiar to me. It seems like I have known it since a long time ago. It has been a part of me few years ago. Now, it don't want to leave me. It sticks with me and created a strong bond between. 

Being hurt physically is always better than being hurt inside. I rather get scars all over my body. Wounds in the heart are hard to cure and is uncurable. No aspirin or painkillers could be taken to reduce the pain so let alone healing it.

Every human know what is the meaning of pain and had been through it. The difference is that the pain they are suffering are not the same. Some may be suffering from pain physically while others is suffering from the inside.
Those sad eyes that u're looking into....U never know what they are thinking about.....

They had always hoped for a miracle. They wanted to be happy like others. 

Smile Smile Smile

 Smile, this is what everyone told me when I'm down. The smile word seems like it is smiling. Be happy, that is what my friends say to me when I'm emo. Smile wasn't an easy thing to do if u're not happy. If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own. No one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.

 Recently, I discover something about myself. I wonder why I always laugh....But then, I discover the reason on 4th August 2011. It was merely a habit since young. I can still laugh even I was hurt inside.  Laugh and smile is the best shield to cover your sadness. 

Laugh too much people call you crazy. There's no wrong with laughing. I know fake smile isn't good but being sad in front of people doesn't look good either. Everytime I feel down, friends tend to comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. This makes me feel touched and heavy black clouds will start to gather. That is what I wanted to avoid. 

To those who care for me, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Even I'm not okay, I will still be fine. Although I always say I wanted to commit suicide, I will never do it. I haven't prepared to live in the other side of the world. I don't want to lose my lovely friends. Most importantly, I don't want to spend my life in hell.

I will always be strong because thing will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever!!!

     Should I follow my own heart or choose to betray it..... Hmmm........


Some told me to follow my own heart, some told me to think of the future. To decide is kinda hard, not just ordinary hard but real hard. If I choose to follow my own heart, I will be happy for now but not sure bout my future. If I choose to betray my own heart, I will suffer a lot. Who says I never think of my future? I did. Who says I never try to get out the quicksand I'm in? I did. But no one knows. My action can't convinced them, i know that. 

Those sad eyes could be seen when there's no one around. Not everyone knows and understands. This could not be understand easily, it is more harder than subjects in school. Who don't want to be happy? Everyone hopes to be happy and end with a happy ending. I had always follow my heart because I just want to cheer myself up. Is that wrong? Maybe it is but there's no other way for me to cheer myself up unless I follow it. Should I blame my heart then?

I don't want to end up like this. It hurts. Everytime there is a scar, it won't heal completely. Slowly, the scar will become more bigger and obvious. At that time, I will regret. This is not anyone's fault as no one could predict what will happen next. There's no time machine to bring you to the future to see what will happen if you take this path. No device to let you know whether you are walking the right path or not.

No one knows what is waiting ahead of them. The path they choose may lead them to happiness or may ruin their whole life. Not a single person know. Everyone is trying their best to be happy.