Updating my blog for the second time, I have my own reason for doing so.
 
  I try not to feel a thing. I try to act normal. I try not to care anything. I try to smile. I try not to worry about you. I convinced myself by apprising myself that you're okay. Everything will be fine. Despite the pain, I smiled yet the emotion that appears on my face is not smiling. 


 I feel so lost when I'm worried. Seems like you love rain so much, huh? Maybe I am the one who started all this. Shouldn't have existed in the first place, luring trouble for you. Sorry about everything I had done, this is all I can say. I couldn't take back my words, actions and all the deeds. Sorry that I intruded your life.


 I just can't stop myself from caring about you. You're a significant person for me. My mood was totally ruined, even standing upright need strenuous effort. 


 P.S Don't ask anything. Don't ask why, how, and what happened. I'm not going to answer. I feel really down and I need some place to let out what I feel. That is why I updated the second post.

Things that happened today

  Today, the percussions were instructed to arrive the school at 7 am. This was because there was a small test going on. The examiners were Xiao Wei, Alvin Ling and Ah Loi. We were asked to stay in a classroom while waiting our turn. When it was finally my turn, I played it seriously. Unfortunately, I sucks in playing semiquaver notes and not very good in sight reading. The exam ended at 9 something. The time has finally come and we were ask to stand in a straight line. 
 Final results: I get 62.33%. Quite happy as there are some who fail the test. Their comments: I am quite good because I once join band but after that i quit. When I rejoin, I was not in hornline but percussion. Besides, I catch up fast and they said they like it. My weakness: My footsteps are too heavy, my semiquaver notes are not constant. 

Back home, feeling tired. My mood gradually change from time to time. In the morning, I was feeling happy but in the evening, i felt quite down. Feel guilty for something I had done, but it is just too late. 
Not wanting to describe more, not going to details, this matter will be buried deep in my heart. 

Best thing in life??

 What is the best thing in my life? Guess music is the best thing of my life... It never disappoints me and is a part of my life. Whenever I'm down, music is always there with me. Whenever I'm sad, listening to songs make me feel better. 

 When I'm down, I feel like singing. I would choose a song which lyrics is almost the same as what am I feeling that time. But when I feel miserable, I don't feel like doing anything even listening to songs. At this time, I would like to be left alone in a room without any sound or noise.

Thinking about music, I think I'm going to write a song for myself. I can create lyrics that is similar to what I feel.  Singing a song compose by myself sounds great. 

^^~~Dreams~~^^

  What are dreams? Dreams are images that form in our mind and are not real. Dreams are usually beautiful, marvelous and delightful. I believe that every human has their own dreams, so do I. It's just a pity that my dreams never come true.

   Being involved in activities that I enjoy had been my dream but it seems like it will never come true. I enjoyed playing basketball but my father opposed it. Told him i want to learn table-tennis instead of playing basketball yet he said that it is unsuitable for girls. 

When I bring up the idea of learning violin, my mother told me, learning those will not bring any benefits to your future. If you want to learn, wait till you get older. The idea of learning guitar comes to my mind but my mother said it is not pleasant for girl to play guitar.

 Every hour, every minute, every second, I'm gradually getting older and older. The thought of attending dancing class and art class seems impossible for me. Excuses will only be given to me. How I wish that my dreams can come true.....  

There can be miracles,

When you believe,

Though hope is frail,

It's hard to kill,

Who knows that miracles,

You can achieve,

When you believe.

Tears? Hurt? Pain?

When a person cries, people comforted them by telling them that teardrops are precious. If teardrops are really precious, why do they roll down so easily from our eyes? There are a few reasons that make tears roll down.
  1. They feel extremely happy.
  2. They were touched.
  3. They were acting.
  4. They were heartbroken.
  5. They feel depressed.
Teardrops from my heart is rolling down my cheeks. What makes the teardrops of mine rolls down? Maybe I was happy, touched, definitely not acting *i can't do that* , heartbroken, or depressed... For me, TEARDROPS=HURT.

HURT....Hmm... this word sounds familiar to me. It seems like I have known it since a long time ago. It has been a part of me few years ago. Now, it don't want to leave me. It sticks with me and created a strong bond between. 

Being hurt physically is always better than being hurt inside. I rather get scars all over my body. Wounds in the heart are hard to cure and is uncurable. No aspirin or painkillers could be taken to reduce the pain so let alone healing it.

Every human know what is the meaning of pain and had been through it. The difference is that the pain they are suffering are not the same. Some may be suffering from pain physically while others is suffering from the inside.
Those sad eyes that u're looking into....U never know what they are thinking about.....

They had always hoped for a miracle. They wanted to be happy like others. 

Smile Smile Smile

 Smile, this is what everyone told me when I'm down. The smile word seems like it is smiling. Be happy, that is what my friends say to me when I'm emo. Smile wasn't an easy thing to do if u're not happy. If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own. No one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give.

 Recently, I discover something about myself. I wonder why I always laugh....But then, I discover the reason on 4th August 2011. It was merely a habit since young. I can still laugh even I was hurt inside.  Laugh and smile is the best shield to cover your sadness. 

Laugh too much people call you crazy. There's no wrong with laughing. I know fake smile isn't good but being sad in front of people doesn't look good either. Everytime I feel down, friends tend to comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. This makes me feel touched and heavy black clouds will start to gather. That is what I wanted to avoid. 

To those who care for me, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Even I'm not okay, I will still be fine. Although I always say I wanted to commit suicide, I will never do it. I haven't prepared to live in the other side of the world. I don't want to lose my lovely friends. Most importantly, I don't want to spend my life in hell.

I will always be strong because thing will get better. It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever!!!

     Should I follow my own heart or choose to betray it..... Hmmm........


Some told me to follow my own heart, some told me to think of the future. To decide is kinda hard, not just ordinary hard but real hard. If I choose to follow my own heart, I will be happy for now but not sure bout my future. If I choose to betray my own heart, I will suffer a lot. Who says I never think of my future? I did. Who says I never try to get out the quicksand I'm in? I did. But no one knows. My action can't convinced them, i know that. 

Those sad eyes could be seen when there's no one around. Not everyone knows and understands. This could not be understand easily, it is more harder than subjects in school. Who don't want to be happy? Everyone hopes to be happy and end with a happy ending. I had always follow my heart because I just want to cheer myself up. Is that wrong? Maybe it is but there's no other way for me to cheer myself up unless I follow it. Should I blame my heart then?

I don't want to end up like this. It hurts. Everytime there is a scar, it won't heal completely. Slowly, the scar will become more bigger and obvious. At that time, I will regret. This is not anyone's fault as no one could predict what will happen next. There's no time machine to bring you to the future to see what will happen if you take this path. No device to let you know whether you are walking the right path or not.

No one knows what is waiting ahead of them. The path they choose may lead them to happiness or may ruin their whole life. Not a single person know. Everyone is trying their best to be happy.